If someone has mentioned “the wake” and you’re not entirely sure what that means or when it happens, you’re not alone. It’s one of the most commonly misunderstood parts of a UK funeral – partly because the word is used to describe two quite different things depending on the family, the community, and sometimes their background.
This guide explains what a wake is, clears up the timing confusion, and covers what to expect whether you’re hosting one or attending as a guest.
What is a funeral wake?
A wake is a gathering of family and friends to remember the person who died. It’s separate from the funeral service itself – the service is the formal ceremony (often at a crematorium, church, or graveside), while the wake is the more informal, social part where people come together to share memories, support each other, and mark the person’s life in a less structured setting.
Food and drink are almost always involved. There might be speeches or toasts, or it might simply be people talking, looking at photographs, and being together. The tone varies hugely by family: some wakes are quiet and reflective, others are lively celebrations of a life well lived. Both are perfectly normal.
Is a wake before or after the funeral?
This is the single most confusing part of the word “wake” in the UK, because both meanings are still in use.
Traditionally, a wake happened before the funeral. It referred to a period of watching over the body – sometimes overnight, sometimes for a day or more – usually in the deceased’s home or a close relative’s home, before burial. This meaning has strong roots in Irish tradition, where wakes could last from one night to several days, often with the coffin present and family and friends taking turns to sit with the deceased. Some UK families, particularly those with Irish heritage, still hold a wake in this older sense: a viewing or vigil before the funeral service.
In modern UK usage, “wake” more commonly means the gathering held after the funeral. This is the reception – sometimes also called a “funeral tea,” “reception,” or “after-party” (less formally) – where guests gather once the service and any burial or cremation are complete. This is now the more familiar meaning for most people in England, Wales, and Scotland, and it’s what most funeral directors and venues mean when they refer to “the wake” on an order of service or invitation.
If you’ve been invited to “the wake” and you’re not sure which one is meant, it’s always fine to ask whoever is organising things, or check the order of service – wake details, including venue and time, are typically printed there. If in doubt, assume it means the after-funeral gathering, since that’s the more common pattern today, but don’t be surprised if a family uses the older meaning instead.
Typical format and duration
Most modern UK wakes follow a fairly loose structure:
- Arrival and settling in – guests make their way from the crematorium, church, or graveside to the wake venue, often with a short gap for people to travel.
- Food and drink – a buffet, sandwiches, or a sit-down meal, along with tea, coffee, and often alcohol.
- Mingling and remembering – this is the heart of a wake. People talk in small groups, share memories, and support each other. Photographs or a memory table are common.
- Speeches or toasts (optional) – some families include a short toast to the person who died, or invite a few words from someone close to them, though this is far less formal than a eulogy at the service itself.
- Departure – there’s rarely a strict end time. Guests tend to leave in waves over a few hours as feels natural.
A typical UK wake lasts somewhere between two and four hours, though there’s no fixed rule. Smaller, informal gatherings might wrap up sooner; larger receptions with a sit-down meal can run longer.
Where the older, before-the-funeral sense of “wake” is used – a viewing or vigil – the format is different: it’s usually quieter, may take place over one or more evenings, and centres on family and close friends visiting to pay their respects rather than a wider social gathering.
Where are wakes commonly held?
There’s no single correct venue – the right choice depends on numbers, budget, and what feels right for the person being remembered.
| Venue | Best suited to |
|---|---|
| Family home | Smaller, more intimate gatherings; a personal setting that reflects the person who died |
| Pub or social club | Casual gatherings; often has a function room, bar, and catering already available |
| Function room or hotel | Larger gatherings; more formal events; useful when many guests are travelling from elsewhere |
| Funeral home | Some funeral directors offer a reception room, useful for smaller, quieter gatherings straight after the service |
| Village hall or community centre | Budget-friendly option with space for larger numbers |
| Golf club, cricket club, or similar | A meaningful choice if the person was a member – ties the venue to their life |
If the wake follows the older, before-the-funeral meaning, it’s most often held in the deceased’s home or a close family member’s home, since it centres on family and close friends spending time together privately.
Hosting a wake: practicalities
If you’re the family member arranging a wake, a few practical decisions make the biggest difference.
Guest numbers. Try to have a rough headcount before booking a venue or ordering catering – ask people to let you know if they’re coming, even informally. Venues and caterers usually need at least a rough number a few days in advance.
Venue booking. Book as early as you can once the funeral date is confirmed – popular venues, especially pubs and function rooms, can be booked out at short notice, particularly at weekends. Many funeral directors can recommend venues they’ve worked with before.
Food and drink. A simple buffet – sandwiches, sausage rolls, cakes – is the most common choice and is easy for venues or caterers to scale to numbers. Tea and coffee should always be available; alcohol is common but optional, and some families choose not to serve it. If catering costs are a concern, see our guide to help paying for a funeral, since wake costs can be included in what some funeral payment schemes will cover.
Cost. Wake costs vary enormously depending on venue, guest numbers, and catering choice – a simple gathering at home with a shop-bought buffet costs far less than a sit-down meal for eighty people at a hotel. Set a rough budget early, since this is one of the more flexible parts of funeral spending. Our guide to funeral costs in the UK breaks down typical spending across every part of a funeral, including receptions.
Letting guests know. Include the wake venue, address, and time on the order of service, or communicate it clearly when you tell people about the funeral. Not everyone who attends the service will necessarily be expected at the wake, particularly for larger funerals – it’s fine to keep the wake smaller and more private if that’s what the family wants. Our guide to creating an order of service covers where to include wake details.
Someone to help on the day. Arranging catering, greeting guests, and keeping things running smoothly is a lot to manage while grieving. It’s worth asking a friend or relative who isn’t part of the immediate family to help coordinate on the day, so you’re free to be with people rather than managing logistics.
Wake etiquette for guests
If you’re attending a wake, a few simple courtesies go a long way.
Should you bring anything? It’s not expected, but some guests bring a small dish of food if the wake is informal and being catered by family rather than a venue – check with the family or a close friend if you’re unsure. Flowers are usually sent ahead of the funeral itself, not brought to the wake. If you’d like to contribute, a card or a donation to a charity the family has named is always appropriate.
How to behave. A wake is generally less formal than the funeral service, but it’s still a gathering centred on loss. Take your lead from the room – if the atmosphere is quiet and reflective, keep your voice down and your conversation gentle. If it’s more of a celebration, it’s fine to share happier memories and even laugh. Both are appropriate responses to grief.
What to say. You don’t need a perfect script. A simple “I’m so sorry for your loss” or sharing a specific, positive memory of the person is almost always welcome. Avoid asking detailed questions about how the person died, and don’t feel you need to fill every silence – sitting with someone in silence can be just as supportive as talking.
How long to stay. There’s no fixed rule, but an hour or two is a reasonable guide unless you’re asked to stay longer or you’re closely involved in helping. Pay attention to the family – if they seem tired or the gathering is winding down, it’s a good time to say your goodbyes.
Alcohol. If alcohol is served, it’s fine to have a drink, but a wake isn’t the place to drink heavily. Stay mindful that you’re there to support a grieving family, not to socialise as you would at another kind of event.
What happens at a wake?
At a typical modern UK wake, guests arrive from the funeral service to a venue where food and drink are available. People spend time talking in small groups, sharing memories of the person who died, and offering support to close family. There’s usually a memory table or photographs on display, and guests come and go over the course of a few hours, with no strict start or end time beyond the initial arrival.
What is funeral wake etiquette?
Funeral wake etiquette centres on being respectful and considerate of a grieving family. Follow the tone of the room, offer condolences simply and sincerely, avoid intrusive questions, drink modestly if alcohol is served, and don’t overstay – an hour or two is typical unless you’re asked to help or stay longer. If you’re unsure whether you’re expected at the wake as well as the service, it’s always fine to ask.
What to avoid
- Assuming everyone at the service is invited to the wake. For larger funerals, families sometimes keep the wake smaller and more private. Check rather than assume.
- Turning up empty-handed to a home-hosted wake without checking. If the wake is being catered informally at a family home, a quick check about whether food contributions are welcome avoids awkwardness either way.
- Treating the wake as a purely social event. It’s fine for a wake to be warm and even joyful, but it remains a gathering centred on someone’s death – be mindful of the family throughout.
- Confusing the two meanings of “wake” when making plans. If you’re organising or attending, confirm whether “the wake” means a gathering before the funeral or after it – the two are different events with different expectations.
Summary
- A wake is a gathering to remember someone who has died, separate from the funeral service itself.
- Traditionally a wake happened before the funeral – a viewing or vigil, with roots in Irish tradition. In modern UK usage, “wake” more commonly refers to the reception held after the funeral.
- Most wakes last two to four hours, held at a home, pub, function room, or funeral home, with food and drink and time for guests to share memories.
- If hosting, book your venue early, get a rough guest count, and arrange catering to suit your budget.
- If attending, follow the tone of the room, offer simple condolences, and don’t feel you need to stay for hours.
However it’s held, a wake exists to give people space to be together after a loss – there’s no single right way to do it, only what feels genuine to the person being remembered.
Part of our funeral planning guide. If you’re arranging the wider service, see our guides to what to wear to a funeral, creating an order of service, and funeral flowers. For help with the costs of arranging a funeral, including receptions, see our guide to funeral costs in the UK.